neverending story

ant man


so I know it's been...shit, over a year. I remember when I started my livejournal and kind of figured I would always update it a little bit. Then twitter happened, and any stupid thing I had to say under 140 characters had a new venue, so content here dwindled. So I promised myself to update once a month, just for posterity's sake, but I guess I felt like I wasn't productive or successful enough and felt bad about my own perceived failure and decided to stop. If I had nothing good to say, why say anything? Kind of the same reason I don't let people take pictures of me? idk.

So yes I am due a #lifeupdate but I don't want to do that now. We're in the midst of summer movie 2k15 and I want to talk about Ant Man.

Because Marvel movies are the da Vinci Code and I think I've just cracked the formula. Not for plot or anything, because how complicated is it to understand the hero/villain dichotomy. Ant Man was revelatory because it was the first new movie the MCU has released that's like, a totally new story. Totally new characters, totally new heroes, totally new powers, totally new draconian Marvel contracts for slaves I mean actors.

And I guess there's a lot to go into. The (blank cultural pariah) with a heart of gold thing, the "it's technology because it's 2015 but no actually it's just magic. The REGULATOR. The REGULATOR makes you shrink" thing, the "you're in a suit so none of this obvious trauma will actually affect your body" thing, like there is no law of conservation of energy or whatever, the there-is-such-a-dearth-of-proactive-female-characters thing that I cheered Kate instead of yelling at her to shut up.

why is the only thing Evangeline Lilly allowed to do in anything she appears in be like, "I WANNA COME TOO" NO YOU CAN'T COME B/C YOU ARE GIRL but I guess you can come because I am Good Man and you asked me so nicely and prettily.

One could write a book (and I imagine one eventually will) about just how happy meal formulaic Marvel movies are. But none of these things really struck me with Ant Man.

It was the goddamn lambs.

Bad Guy Corey Stoll (at this point I feel nothing but sympathy for the actors they get to play villains in Marvel movies. You're born, you live, you sneer, you die, and then Marvel is done with you) has already shown that his poor imitation of Pym's shrink technology does nothing but turn organic tissue into boogers, so he works in his lab to fix this problem so his vision of...tiny soldiers? can come to fruition.

okay I'm sorry the more I think of this I'm going to have to take like thirty sidebars: in the beginning, when he was explaining his master plan to his board, and it was like "wow we have this technology to decrease atomic distance AKA break the laws of physics, what practical applications could this possibly be used for..."

I was like "teacher teacher this is great for quantum computing and information storage! Pied Piper's compression algorithm ain't got nothing on Hank Pym"

then Corey Stoll was like "nah girl we gonna shrink people, even though we talk about how it scrambles their brains, because that works better for a comic book movie"

then later when Scott fights Anthony Mackie, Anthony Mackie can still see him because of his Avengers tech

which basically invalidates Corey Stoll's whole "secret soldier" thing UGH WHATEVER

another Marvel cliche: weapons manufacturers who keep forgetting that your technology will never stay sequestered to one side of a conflict

end sidebar.

So Corey Stoll is doing science, and I mean, this is kind of my point. Laboratory science is fascinating, and most of all, it is controlled, you know? Experiments are run in order to test one variable, so everything else is kept constant. If it's not, then you're not sure whether the variable you're testing or some other variable is causing the change you observe.

So the lamb thing happens like this: Kate from LOST is like "what are you doing" when the scientists bring out a lamb. "I thought we were using mice." And he kind of just looks at her, or maybe he says something falsely grandiose like Marvel villains do, I don't remember.

But I remember thinking, "yeah, why are you using lambs?"

The reason scientists in real life use mice to do live experiments is because they're very fecund, they have short generations, and they're cheap to breed and maintain. None of these things are true about lambs. Sheep need pasture, and idk how long it takes for a young sheep to become fertile but it's probably a lot longer than the four months or whatever it takes mice.

So why were they using lambs?

Because it was symbolic. Lambs symbolize innocence. Corey Stoll in the logic of the movie was spending more money just to be more of a dick.

So I mean, I know this doesn't seem like a grand observation or whatever, but the choice gave me a glimpse into the people creating these movies. Smart people, sure. White guys who dress like thirteen year olds, who probably have MFAs, but whose total sum experience with actual laboratory experimentation is what they see in movies. Scientists use mice for experiments for arbitrary reasons, right? And mice are so associated with experimentation that we're going to need to up the ante to really show how much of a dick Corey Stoll is (even though killing innocent mice is still seen as cruel.) What's a more innocent animal than mice? Lambs. Not sheep, mind you. Just baby sheep.

I didn't like Ant Man I guess. It's hard not to like Marvel movies though. They are so fucking aware of every choice they make, and I guess that's my point. How can I dislike a movie starring Paul Rudd, he of unnaturally long youth and charisma? How can I find such an inoffensive, regulated dramacomedic tone offputting? How can I sneer at the cast of supporting ethnic minorities that inject not only levity, but a subconscious sense of teamwork and alliance and consensual marginalization? Don't feel bad, white people! Don't feel bad! They like helping you be the hero!

The laboratory setting is somehow appropriate. There is no real, gritty, natural creativity. There is no true inspiration. These movies are grown in a fucking petri dish, and my primal self yearns to take a bite of something that grew on a tree.

That was Mad Max I guess, and thank God for that.
neverending story

oh my god

Hi livejournal

I'm not dead

I've been really, really busy. I work like, full time now! And on the weekends with Kaplan too! Every time I talk to my family they say "what have you been up to!" and I say "nothing but work!" and they say "Wow you must be rolling in it!" and I say "NO!" I am saving money, but not as much as you think I would be!

Welcome to the exploited American workforce Jenny! I will continue to make my bosses rich while I stay just far enough ahead of the poverty line to consistently fear it!

Anyway, I feel super terrible about going this long without an update. Even when livejournal started slipping from its place as top internet social station in lieu of twitter and, I don't know, reddit? I promised myself I'd update at least once a month. I mean, to be fair, I haven't had much to say that wouldn't fit in a tweet lately. There was one thing, essay, series of thoughts in my head, I don't know, that I wanted to write about, but it required like **GROAN** historical research. I got really into nuclear power disasters there for a second, and I watched some documentaries about Chernobyl and Three Mile Island, and I was struck at how the response to each disaster in the USSR and USA respectively differed, and it was like, wow, I kind-of-sort-of get the first world/second world distinction now.

But then I thought I couldn't write that without coming off at least a little jingoistic and uninformed so I SCRAPPED IT

but now I have a new idea for a post/essay/series of thoughts in my head

and all it requires of me is watching youtube videos

so here we go

A couple of days ago on Buzzfeed, which, like, goddamn, that's how long it's been since I updated my LJ regularly, I don't think I've ever mentioned or linked anything from Buzzfeed but I digress

Buzzfeed posted this collection of the best Tony performances of all time and I spent basically all Friday night watching it. That is my social life right now, in a nutshell.

Their number one pick was Jennifer Holliday in Dreamgirls, which obviously I was fine with.

so I don't know, I spent all this time watching these videos, and thinking about Broadway and the Tonys, and how unfair it is that these performances are the only exposure pretty much all of middle America gets to musical theater unless they shell out hundreds of dollars to drive to the closest metropolitan area and see some traveling version of these shows that is a fraction of how bombastic they are on Broadway, and how unfortunate it is that musical theater is such a remote, impenetrable art form for such a huge portion of the population, because it's fucking amazing.

And I feel like if you ask the average person if they like musical theater, they probably have this impression of it as being really gay and ostentation and over the top, like huge staircases with women in feather fans and some guy with a smile containing 10,000 teeth at a white baby grand piano. Like, it's super gay and scary and uncomfortable

and like, that's not completely wrong, but it is really wrong too, and I thought about this some more, and just how important that is, and just how unique that MADE Broadway in the context of all American and really ANY art forms

even though the shows themselves are not as gay as the stereotype, Broadway is super, SUPER gay.

And I think it's the only high-stakes artistic institution, that at its core, in its HEART, is not made by straight, white, probably old men.

I mean, think about trying to make a movie. You have an idea for a movie, you write a script, you maybe get some friends and your parents to write you some checks, some other friends agree to star in it. And maybe you make that movie. But it's going to be incredibly low budget, it's going to be nearly impossible to distribute, and without a crazy lottery-ticket stroke of luck like being accepted at Sundance or WINNING Sundance or something, probably no one is going to see it.

If you want to make a movie that people see, you have to go through the appropriate channels. Studios, producers, agents, and other moneyed, elite people that run that shit.

And who are most of those people?

Straight, white, old men.

There are exceptions to this, of course. Tyler Perry runs a media empire and he is neither white nor particularly old. But he is a man. It's hard to get away from needing the approval of a man in any art form unfortunately.

And the fact that straight, white, old men sign the checks, approve the projects, and ostensibly hold the keys to the entire movie industry is hugely, vastly important to determining what kinds of movies we see in the theater.

Sure, some of the more radical ones accept that their tastes are ultimately irrelevant, and will make movies that appeal to demographics they probably never see or deal with, but for the most part, the conventional wisdoms of the movie industry are so clearly the product of straight, white, old male brains that they may as well be trailing like fishing lines straight from their ears.

A woman protagonist can't open a movie. Black men can't be action stars except Will Smith. People like super rich, attractive, intelligent super heroes like Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark. Violence wins out over other forms of conflict resolution. Blowing shit up is cool. Having sex with a woman is what determines a man's worth. Etc. etc. etc. Overall, Hollywood movies seem to basically be about how individual straight, white men overcome other individual straight, white men. When you're at the very top of society, the only thing standing in your way ARE other individuals who are ALSO at the top of society.

It's like the entire moral framework of modern Hollywood is exactly what a straight white man would think is important. Like, the only thing I may be overlooking is that there is a strong Jewish contingent in Hollywood, and look how many movies there are about the Holocaust, and how many Nazis are straight-up evil bad guys with no redeeming qualities. Has there been, or will there ever be, a movie about a sympathetic Nazi? Besides Schindler's List, which had to include a sociopathic monster to assure you that Nazis were indeed the worst things ever.

Like I don't want to defend Nazis, I just want to make the suggestion, and perhaps it's unthinkable, that Nazis are SO UNAMBIGUOUSLY THE WORST THING EVER because of how much effort our culture has put into portraying them that way. Imagine how different our movies would be if Muslims ran things instead.

It's a dumb point, and not even the main one. My main point is that the people in charge of art and culture do have a hand in controlling how certain things are understood and valued by the society they pander to. I'm not making a judgment, and I mean, I don't want to jump off a deep end and claim that this is having any effect on actual American culture vis a vis all these fucking mass shootings and whatever (though they probably are)

I just want to talk about how fucking amazing Broadway is in comparison.

I think there's a reason that men run shit and women don't. And I don't mean like, men should be in charge, I just mean like, there were so very few exceptions to men being in charge of things before very recently. It's hard for a woman to fake being a man, you know? For all of human culture for the last several thousand years (I'm exaggerating, but this is surely true for western culture, which is basically what all of our current art derives from), women were domestic and men were public, right? Women stayed at home, cooked, raised the kids, etc.; were basically mistresses of the domestic sphere, while men ruled the public sphere. And if a woman wanted to rule the public sphere, there were plenty of barriers to entry, most importantly that she looked like a woman and women belong in the home.

It's a really bummer fact. It bums me out a lot, all of that wasted talent lost to the ages. I think about all those amazingly talented, intelligent people who just lived their lives and died and contributed nothing they could have if not for our bonkers social structure. The letters Ben Franklin's sister wrote to him just break my heart.

Anyway, this is true of women, and was true basically for all of time until about thirty years ago. There was a really convincing article I read about how when we look back on the whole feminist movement, the important event was not necessarily Title IX or any legal revolution, but the invention of hormonal birth control. Shit got FUCKED in the best way possible once women could determine their own reproductive destinies with a huge degree of efficacy, and shit will never really be the same, and seeing how that one variable changes culture over the next few hundred years is going to be fucking SICKLY AMAZING.

The point is, the fact that women and men do have sexual dimorphism is what fucked women over when it came to actually doing something besides frying bacon and breastfeeding.

This fact, however, is not true of gay men.

Gay men suffer a different kind of oppression than women do. It is much harder for a woman to hide her womanness than for a gay man to hide his gayness. Think about how much effort and time trans people have to put into passing, and how history has done so much to emphasize and exaggerate the differences between men and women, putting men into tailored suits and squeezing women into girdles, rubbing arsenic make-up on their faces, convincing them they need invasive surgery to prove and extentuate their femininity. I guess that makes sense that men don't have to change much about themselves but women have to take on the burden of proving their deviation from the masculine in very often self-destructive ways. sorry, let's call that a feminist solar flare.

ANYWAY, a trans person "passing" as the other gender takes so much more effort than a gay man "passing" as straight. What do you have to do, not fuck guys and marry a woman? I mean, I am completely undermining the struggle of being in the closet, and certainly the high degree of self-awareness and self-policing and even self-hatred that goes into passing as straight, but I think it's pretty fair to say that passing as straight takes no where NEAR the amount of effort as passing as another gender, and can usually be done with a higher degree of success.

It is still oppression, though. It does still cause damage, and it separates gay men from straight men.

So you get these talented, perhaps moneyed gay men. Come from good families, get good educations, for all intents and purposes are members of the elite, ruling classes that have more power and control over culture than anyone else.

However, they are not the top of the pyramid. They are deeply aware of their deviancy, their "brokenness," their deviation from the norm. They suffer as any oppressed or subaltern group suffers.

But they do it invisibly. They walk among the groups in power as one of their own, and they suffer in silence.

And, somewhere along the way, they find each other. I wish I knew more about like, opera, or vaudeville, or whatever came before the Broadway musical, because I'm sure this stuff has very historic roots.

But they find each other, and they build their own American institution. They build huge theaters, and somehow, they all form their own moral code the way Hollywood industrialists did.

And the fact that they are oppressed, that they are broken, that they do not fit into that narrow pinnacle of society, that fake and destructive and narrow view of what it means to be HUMAN because only straight white men were allowed to discuss what being HUMAN ever meant, and they know it, changes this moral code in the most beautiful way and I want to CELEBRATE IT

Think about pretty much any Broadway musical. I mean, I have to admit that part of the reason I'm writing this is because I'm sure I'm forgetting one very popular musical that is going to destroy this whole argument

But think of any Broadway musical

Who or what is it about?

I'm going to do a few:

West Side Story is about poor, uneducated gangs of both white and hispanic descent, and both are portrayed as equally valid and moral groups.
Wicked is about an outsider who is also a WOMAN. And she's green. I don't know if that technically makes her another race or not.
Gypsy is about an old woman with adult daughters, and is often considered the greatest role older actresses can play.

Like, even just going down the list of that buzzfeed article:

idk Urinetown
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown is about...Charlie Brown, but he's played by a black man in that video and his sister is white and NO ONE CARES
Cats is about...Cats, but the cat that wins the Jellicle Ball is an aged, past-her-prime glamour cat mourning her glory days, and she gets a fucking SOLO
Sweeney Todd is about a man, but his accomplice is one of the most delightfully fucked up female characters ever
Annie is about an orphan
Cabaret is about a dingy German bar
Caroline or Change is about the Civil Rights Movement
Hairspray is about racial integration and stars a young fat woman
Ragtime is about three different social groups in the early 20th century, and from what I remember, focuses a lot on the black group
Spring Awakening is about white kids, okay. BUT THEY ARE GERMAN!
Grey Gardens, like, honestly I DID NOT even know it was a musical, but OF COURSE the Edies would be gay icons. OF COURSE THEY WOULD BE. This single show, hell, this single performance almost perfectly illustrates my point. WHEN WOULD YOU EVER SEE THAT IN A BIG-BUDGET HOLLYWOOD MOVIE??
Sunday in the Park with George is about Georges Seurat but it stars Mandy Patinkin so it gets a pass
Rent is about people with AIDS
Next to Normal is about a middle-aged woman with mental illness
Anything Goes is old as shit but it stars a woman.
Evita is about a woman AND a socialist revolution
Chicago is about women muderesses

And to top it off, just that Jennifer Holliday performance again.

When on Earth would a Hollywood movie give a solo like that to a black woman at all, let alone on who wasn't a size 0?

There was a time when Hollywood told more unconventional stories, when Hollywood celebrated the margins of society, when little guys were heroes taking down big, unfair institutions. Those days are over.

But they live on in Broadway. The institution of Broadway seems to be not about big ostentatious gay numbers, but about telling stories about marginal groups in society, letting them scream and wail and sing their pain to a limited audience, letting them SPEAK when no one else will listen. Of course they scream at the top of their lungs, they're not going to miss the opportunity to be heard!

I can't think of one Broadway musical that's about how awesome it is to be a straight white man besides like, Les Miserables which is TECHNICALLY about an ex-con, and The Book of Mormon, which was made by two straight guys. SO I MEAN

I don't know. I think it's really cool. Novels and other art forms tell all sorts of diverse stories too, but they have small budgets, simpler methods of distribution, and they're much easier to ignore. Broadway musicals are the only art form I can think of that take time, money, cooperation, playing along with the institutional powers that be, and still tell so many stories about so many different kinds of people.

In short, thank God for the gays.
neverending story

random thought

Horoscopes are useful, but not for the reason you think!

Today at work my office mate was sassy to our boss, and later my boss came in and was talking about how much my office mate reminded her of her sister, how her sister would cry all the time and get really defensive, BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTH LEOS.

Then, of course, she talked about me, and how her cousins were also Scorpios, and it was a Scorpio trait to play yourself down and self-sabotage and generally not think very highly of yourself.

I don't think she meant it mean, and lbr that is a very true thing about me, but as I was thinking about it I kind of realized how horoscopes are actually valuable in day to day human interaction.

Horoscopes are a way for us to criticize or evaluate each other honestly without having to actually pass judgment on each other.

Oh, you're a combative, self-righteous, but strong person. That's because you're a Libra. Oh, you're deceitful and vindictive. Gemini.

It's a meaningless diversion. A thing everyone knows isn't actually real or true. It's an excuse to be honest with each other about personality traits and flaws without having to actually admit, I think this way about YOU, not some generic, arbitrary class of people. If I think YOU'RE overemotional and short-fused, it's an insult, but if I casually mention that Leos are overemotional and short-fused, and you're a Leo, well I'm saying the same fucking thing, aren't I.

idk, maybe this is obvious, but I think that's why the whole astrological sign thing actually exists. Or maybe not why it exists, but what its practical purpose actually is. Because I'm a Scorpio, but depending on who I'm talking to (and what Scorpio we're talking about), there certainly are a wide range of often conflicting traits Scorpios apparently possess.
neverending story

12 Years A Slave

This movie, you guys. Christ.

Every once in a while a movie comes along that doesn't so much play in front of you but hit you like a freight train, liquify you on impact, and keep running over your mangled corpse until you're a smear of blood and spit on the ground. I can't remember the last movie that hit me like this. They're the kinds of movies my mom used to say you've got to go to bed after viewing. For her it was The Deer Hunter. Schindler's List did it to me.

This movie.

The weird thing about it is I realized, as I was watching it, that I kind of knew everything that happened already. All the reviews I've read were less reviews than travelogues that described each of the five or so "scenes" or anecdotes or whatever that comprise the movie. I mean, what can you critically say about a movie like this? "This happened, then that happened" is, oddly, a provocative form of criticism. Which is praise, of course, that the movie deserves more than the critics. When professional writers are left all but speechless, filling the white space of their columns with little more than summary, you as a director have either given them nothing or everything.

I was crying within three minutes of the opening title. I cried at the end. I can't remember the last movie that made me cry once, let alone twice. I think I cried in Brave because of the mother/daughter relationship. I'm getting more sensitive to that the older I get. Maybe it's ~~~empathy but I think I'm just too much of a coward to deal with my problems so I channel my feelings into media instead. Whatever this isn't about me.

The movie is about despair. That's a sort of reductive view, I know, because it is a condemnation...that word doesn't seem powerful enough. Evisceration? It's a wide-eyed recounting of perhaps the darkest and most shameful moment in American history, a curse, a lamentation, a mournful dirge. It's Malcolm McDowell strapped to a chair with his eyelids pried open. It's a horrible, necessary movie that I honestly though Django Unchained already was, but that movie was both misfocused and gleefully cathartic. There's catharsis here too, but the heaviest and most burdensome type.

Anyway, disclaimer aside, this movie is about despair. And what I realized is that when movies are about such heavy, horrible things, they're also simultaneously about the opposite. Movies about hate are really about love. Movies about revenge are really about forgiveness. The substantive ones, at least. And the best movies about hope are the ones steeped in despair.

So this movie is about despair, a word that gets used like literally every other sentence, but it's also about hope. And how long dormant it can lie, and how even now it seems absent, but how it's never really gone.

I don't know, this movie was really good. It was gut-wrenching and awful and beautiful and terrifying. I really liked it. The whole audience in my theater stayed sitting once the credits started going. I was one of the first to leave and I stayed till like the first wave of credits, like all the above-the-line people who didn't scroll but flashed by, was over.

Anyway, it's such a hard movie to watch that I know I'll need to watch it again to get everything. David Simon wrote something about that. But even so, I caught little things that were really interesting. Just like the way they set the stage. When Northup's in the Epps plantation, there's a fucking pig pen right in the front yard. And it keeps interfering with the action! Like Epps was chasing him around with a knife, and he tried to cut through the pig pen to cut him off, but he tripped and fell. And later, Northup is feeding the pigs before he gets dragged into some straight-up Stanford prison experiment bullshit. And I was thinking about this pig pen, and then I asked a dumb question with some really interesting answers:

Why did they put the pig pen right there?

Well shit, why DIDN'T they? What doesn't the pig pen represent? It could be, very simply, a visual representation of what slavery is in American history. A big pile of shit and piss in the middle of our manicured front lawn. It could mock the privileged, unearned lives antebellum plantation owners experienced, wallowing in the filth of their own contemptuous actions while lazing about like fat, spoiled livestock. It actively soiled the people who wandered through it, marking them with its effects. I don't know, it was a big ugly symbol stuck right in the middle of the movie, and there was a lot of stuff like that. Brad Pitt, Canadian carpenter with his Jesus hair. The violin. Everything in this movie meant more than what it was.

Katie called me in the middle of writing this entry so I'mma shut it down, but Wesley Morris is one of my favorite critics and wrote a really good review of this movie. He wrote a good one of Django Unchained too. I probably need to start reading what he writes about movies that AREN'T exclusively about the black experience. All of my critics are like, at least a little subaltern though. I feel like straight white men have said everything interesting they're going to say. Mark Harris, Emily Nussbaum. My only straight white critic is Alan Sepinwall, but only because he wrote a book about TV. I know Mark Harris has a book that I need to read. Does Emily Nussbaum?

This entry is a mess. I've completely forgotten how to structure arguments.
neverending story


I got an e-mail from my boss that if I didn't do the compliance training I'd be fired.

I did the compliance training.

When I was in the middle of it, I realized I'd done it before. It was about ethics/sexual harassment.

I'm pretty sure they just make you do it once every three years or whatever to be sure you're still capable of common sense.
neverending story

I am so bad with money.

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize it.

I'm working seven days a week, and I should be swimming in it, but for some reason I feel like I'm going broke. When I was broke, I'd spend money on superfluous shit because I felt like I could spare it. I never know how much money I have.

I mean, I always manage to pay for everything. Sometimes that's because I have to borrow money from my dad. I'm not in crazy debt or anything, but for some reason I cannot wrap my head around the accounting that drives my life on a month to month basis.

I think about it too hard maybe. I put all of my dumb every day shit on a credit card, so the amount I pay on the 21st of each month is technically what I bought in the previous calendar month. So I'm always a month behind of what I'm buying. On the other hand, I'm not going to get paid for the work I do today for another two weeks. So I'm technically ahead of myself by two weeks too.

Then there's the time I set up my payments. When I was running out of money, I'd keep having to push back the day I set up the payments to be sure I had enough. Now I'm back to setting them up on the 3rd, as soon as my credit card statement comes out. That means I'm a month behind, two weeks ahead, and three weeks ahead because of how early I set up the payment.

Then there's the money Uncle Sam is taking from me that I'll get back eventually. But am I even allowed to count that?

I want to take a two-year associates accounting degree just so I can understand all of this shit. I can't understand the income vs. costs of a single day of my life. Because like, when I buy the bus pass (shit I have to do that), it's $75 but it works for the whole month. So am I just in the red that day and in the black for most other days? Or should I divide that $75 by 30 and distribute it over the whole month?

I don't know. I don't get it.

I bought a pair of TOMS, and even though my current TOMS are 11s I got 10s because they stretched out a lot. They don't fit. I have to return them, but I have to like ship them back. I bought the 11s already because I want to try them on side by side. This feels irresponsible somehow, even though I'll get a full refund when I return the pair I don't want.

Why am I afraid I'm going to flake out about it? I don't usually flake out on that kind of shit. Well, there was that compliance training I was supposed to do for Kaplan and never did. That feels more like an act of rebellion though. I dare them to stop offering me classes.

The next door neighbors have a flood light that shines right in my window. I've been sleeping backwards in bed for two weeks because they haven't turned it off for some reason. I've been dreading walking over there and asking them to turn it off. I headed out to class this morning, and the woman was watering the lawn. I went up to her and asked her to turn it off. Oh no, it's more efficient to leave it on, it doesn't bother anyone else.

For about four hours today, I felt completely out of control of my own life. I got home from work and the light was still on. I was 100% sure they blew me off. I called them cunts under my breath and it felt like the most empowering thing I've done in weeks.

Then they turned the light off.

I panic about things that don't really merit it.

My birthday's in eight days. I think this is the first one I've actually dreaded. My dad e-mailed me today asking if I moved. He did that so he can send me a card. You'd figure if I moved, I'd tell him. I guess he doesn't figure that. That made me sad. I don't know the last time I talked to Katie.

I feel like I'm on the margins of a whirlpool right now.

There was also a boy for a second. There's not a boy anymore.

idk! I feel like I know more clearly than ever that things need to change but I don't know how to make them. I feel so stuck and helpless. Maybe I just like whining. I know paralysis of analysis is a personal flaw. I'd rather miss a deadline than make the wrong choice.

Man, I haven't written in a while. This feels pretty good. Fuck structure, fuck form! JUST GET IT OUT!

I saw Thor 2. And...oh, Ender's Game. I actually really liked Ender's Game. For some reason I thought it wasn't going to be anything like the book, but it was EXACTLY like the book. I mean, they had to summarize some shit that worked better with a slow burn but it's a movie; it's not going to be perfect. I didn't like Thor 2. I didn't stay for the end credits. Like there was a middle-credit scene, and I stayed for that, but not the end credits. It was a scene of Natalie Portman and Chest Hemsworth kissing. I think I don't care.

I'm kind of sad but I think things are going to be okay. It's just going to take some time. I should write more. This is therapeutic. I don't need to write so people read. I think I just need to write for myself. Sorry livejournal for wasting your server space!
neverending story

Comic Con 2013

All right everyone, I know it's been forever since I updated and I honestly feel bad about that. I've been toying with/pecking noncommittally at an entry about my new job, but the longer I let it go, the more stuff happens, and the more that stuff informs the stuff that has already happened, so every time there's an "event" it feels like I need to scrap the whole thing and start over AND IT'S JUST GETTING A LITTLE UNWIELDY IS ALL. I do still intend to finish that entry that surely no one will read because it just keeps getting longer and longer but something cool happened that I don't want to let lapse into the void of memory so I'm leapfrogging that work entry for this one.

Which also requires a little bit of work context, oh well.

Anyway, my job took us all to Comic Con. More explanation than that isn't REALLY necessary, except in the "how the fuck do you work somewhere that thinks taking your sorry nerd asses to COMIC CON is a good way to spend company resources?" which, of course, would have been answered by that entry I refuse to finish. But, in the interest of disclosure, let me give you just a LITTLE summary:

I work at MovieClips, which you guys are probably familiar with if you've watched more than one trailer for a movie on YouTube in the past few months. I'm not going to go into everything they do, because to be perfectly honest I'm still not totally sure, but please rest assured that my job has nothing to do with that channel and is in fact far less interesting. I'll get into it someday, I promise.

Anyway, apparently our company has deals with different celebrities and content providers, and we just manage their YouTube channels for them. So rather than hiring someone at their own firm to tag the videos, moderate the comments, etc., they just farm it out to us. And there were enough of those clients at Comic Con, making new content, to justify us coming down there and helping. Plus, the MovieClips channel itself is like purely promotional content so they just wanted us down there to like, do their job for them to an extent? I don't think that's true.

Basically I have no idea why they sent us down there. They fucking hired these coach buses, rented out AN ENTIRE BAR for the ENTIRE DAY, gave us free lunch and a drink, and motherfucking PAID US for the day.

I spent $10 yesterday AND MADE $80.

So yeah, I guess I don't get it but I also don't mind exploiting a corporation's flagrant if muddled generosity.

Collapse )
neverending story

Star Trek: Into Darkness vs. Iron Man 3

Wow you guys, there is a WORK UPDATE coming. So much going on, literally no time to examine it/write about it, collective sighs of "thank God she shut up for a while."

That will happen later, though. Today, with what little fragmented energy I have left, I want to talk about SUMMER MOVIES.

Collapse )
neverending story

Thinking About Something

I'm coming to realize that my most successful LiveJournalTM entries are not the ones in which I bitch about my life (right now there is nothing going on so there is nothing to bitch about), but the ones in which I cultivate a mere seedling of thought into an interesting or complete failure of a casual thesis. I have a new one. It's not very interesting, but I may discover something sort of cool along the way.

Collapse )

Basically, tl;dr, movie music is the most important part of movies and I don't know why composers are considered below the line!