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I am so bad with money.

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize it.

I'm working seven days a week, and I should be swimming in it, but for some reason I feel like I'm going broke. When I was broke, I'd spend money on superfluous shit because I felt like I could spare it. I never know how much money I have.

I mean, I always manage to pay for everything. Sometimes that's because I have to borrow money from my dad. I'm not in crazy debt or anything, but for some reason I cannot wrap my head around the accounting that drives my life on a month to month basis.

I think about it too hard maybe. I put all of my dumb every day shit on a credit card, so the amount I pay on the 21st of each month is technically what I bought in the previous calendar month. So I'm always a month behind of what I'm buying. On the other hand, I'm not going to get paid for the work I do today for another two weeks. So I'm technically ahead of myself by two weeks too.

Then there's the time I set up my payments. When I was running out of money, I'd keep having to push back the day I set up the payments to be sure I had enough. Now I'm back to setting them up on the 3rd, as soon as my credit card statement comes out. That means I'm a month behind, two weeks ahead, and three weeks ahead because of how early I set up the payment.

Then there's the money Uncle Sam is taking from me that I'll get back eventually. But am I even allowed to count that?

I want to take a two-year associates accounting degree just so I can understand all of this shit. I can't understand the income vs. costs of a single day of my life. Because like, when I buy the bus pass (shit I have to do that), it's $75 but it works for the whole month. So am I just in the red that day and in the black for most other days? Or should I divide that $75 by 30 and distribute it over the whole month?

I don't know. I don't get it.

I bought a pair of TOMS, and even though my current TOMS are 11s I got 10s because they stretched out a lot. They don't fit. I have to return them, but I have to like ship them back. I bought the 11s already because I want to try them on side by side. This feels irresponsible somehow, even though I'll get a full refund when I return the pair I don't want.

Why am I afraid I'm going to flake out about it? I don't usually flake out on that kind of shit. Well, there was that compliance training I was supposed to do for Kaplan and never did. That feels more like an act of rebellion though. I dare them to stop offering me classes.

The next door neighbors have a flood light that shines right in my window. I've been sleeping backwards in bed for two weeks because they haven't turned it off for some reason. I've been dreading walking over there and asking them to turn it off. I headed out to class this morning, and the woman was watering the lawn. I went up to her and asked her to turn it off. Oh no, it's more efficient to leave it on, it doesn't bother anyone else.

For about four hours today, I felt completely out of control of my own life. I got home from work and the light was still on. I was 100% sure they blew me off. I called them cunts under my breath and it felt like the most empowering thing I've done in weeks.

Then they turned the light off.

I panic about things that don't really merit it.

My birthday's in eight days. I think this is the first one I've actually dreaded. My dad e-mailed me today asking if I moved. He did that so he can send me a card. You'd figure if I moved, I'd tell him. I guess he doesn't figure that. That made me sad. I don't know the last time I talked to Katie.

I feel like I'm on the margins of a whirlpool right now.

There was also a boy for a second. There's not a boy anymore.

idk! I feel like I know more clearly than ever that things need to change but I don't know how to make them. I feel so stuck and helpless. Maybe I just like whining. I know paralysis of analysis is a personal flaw. I'd rather miss a deadline than make the wrong choice.

Man, I haven't written in a while. This feels pretty good. Fuck structure, fuck form! JUST GET IT OUT!

I saw Thor 2. And...oh, Ender's Game. I actually really liked Ender's Game. For some reason I thought it wasn't going to be anything like the book, but it was EXACTLY like the book. I mean, they had to summarize some shit that worked better with a slow burn but it's a movie; it's not going to be perfect. I didn't like Thor 2. I didn't stay for the end credits. Like there was a middle-credit scene, and I stayed for that, but not the end credits. It was a scene of Natalie Portman and Chest Hemsworth kissing. I think I don't care.

I'm kind of sad but I think things are going to be okay. It's just going to take some time. I should write more. This is therapeutic. I don't need to write so people read. I think I just need to write for myself. Sorry livejournal for wasting your server space!