Okay Okay I better type the rest of this before I forget all the cool nonstuff that happened on the second half of my trip.

( does anyone really care about this anymore whatever I could use the typing practice )

Oh PS this is my 900th entry, how weird/symbolically appropriate is that?

Okay I'm in California.

( I am going to try to organize this into sections but I may just say 'fuck it' and just start stream-of-conscious-ing this shit )

Okay, that's it for now, I have to get ready for my interview but I'll finish it up later.

So I've been packing a lot. I still feel way behind, way unready. I don't know. I leave in two days, and there's three boxes and a bag of clothes in my car. Besides my sheets and my computer, neither of which I am giving up until the very last minute, I don't really know what else I need.

Making that list turned out to be a good idea, because I forgot a bunch of stuff as I was packing. Other stuff I have the feeling I'm just going to have to leave here. I tried to be responsible and move all of my leftover college stuff that I wanted to keep to the basement. Now, trying to be responsible again, I went down there to bring it up to my room, only to find that my brother had moved it, basically hiding from me. I think I had five boxes down there, and I can only find two. I could look harder, I guess, but when you step on legos and shards of glass (that basement is a fucking warzone, seriously, with the decapitated dolls covered in dust and everything), the desire to give up is just a little bit higher.

It's really frustrating. Katie keeps guilting me into staying, getting all pouty and "don't leave" and then for the last two days she's invited over her gay friend that I don't like and pretty much hung out with him exclusively. "We should see a movie on Thursday," she suggested. Yes, great idea, rip a two-hour chunk out of the most crucial packing day. Thanks for being so selfless and understanding.

Ugh I am way bitter. My dad left on business for three weeks, and I didn't get him to check my car like I wanted (though I guess the Meineke guys did everything I wanted anyway. I sure as fuck paid them enough to). So I thought it would come off as bitter if we didn't spend the last night he was here together, and that's not the only reason, I wanted to spend it with him. I feel pathetically unfulfilled by our relationship. So we watched the football game, and dad, who can't engage in social interaction with his children without deliberately pissing them off, informs me that he's inviting his girlfriend to move in.

Honestly, I laughed. Fuck this family, for serious. And then I said, "well at least there will be somebody to give the cat her pills when Katie moves out."

Obviously there are a lot of issues in my family. I don't need to discuss them now. I will, probably, someday. It's definitely the biggest reason I'm leaving, and my biggest fear of failure is having to return here. My biggest fear in general is that this is as good as it will ever get again. But I kind of know that's not true. Remembering those horrible entries I wrote in my senior year of high school, which were basically a bunch of angsty "I HATE EVERYTHING" whining, and then how much happier I was in school gives me a little bit of hope. But the real world is not school. Whatever, as long as it's marginally better than here, I'll be okay, and the nice part now is that's all up to me. I like being responsible for my own happiness. I don't like feeling like the member of a dysfunctional, broken unit.

Family is terrible, seriously. If I ever get the urge to make my own...well, I won't let something like this sinkhole of selfishness stop me.

Anyway, I'm still terrified, but I'm hopeful too. I've applied to a few jobs and internships, and have only been hearing back from the internships. Which makes sense. I'll just have to pick whichever one I pick wisely. Room for growth, advancement, promotion to a paid position, not just some glorified indentured servant position. Not that I mind the work. That's the cool thing about internships, is the work is at least bearable because you're doing it for free.

Anyway, the plan is, I guess, if I can't get a similar paid position, take an internship and then find full time work wherever. Retail, a call center, whoever will have me. It's going to be busy, and tough, but it always is at the beginning. And this is just another beginning.

But I'm kind of sick of beginnings, the goal this time is at least to reach some semblance of a middle this time.

Okay I better go pack some more.

Hey everyone,

So we're winding down quickly to *D-Day* and I know you're probably sick of hearing about it by now so I'll keep this brief,

I am in this weird anxious mood where I can't get anything done so I figured, hey you know how I got out of this mood in college? Make a list. Actually that's not true but it seemed better than doing nothing.

So here is my *to-do* list for packing/leaving. If you would be so inclined, could you just take a look at it and make sure I'm not missing anything really really obvious, like "be sure to breathe"?

( I talk to myself like this all the time )

idk I made that in like 10 minutes so it's probably very incomplete, but now I'm focusing on running into work, doing a script coverage...there's just so much to do and so little time :/

There was a resignation form at work. I had to specifically ask for it. It wasn't on the little turnstyle mailbox thing with the vacation request form and schedule change form and leave of absence form. I have a feeling that choice is intentionally. If it were that easy to quit that job, they'd have a higher turnover rate than they already do.

I have to have an exit interview, whatever that means.

But, as of January 17th, I will be only very very very potentially part-time employed.

I've also been cruising Craigslist for temporary sublets in LA. How do my LA buddies think San Fernando Valley is? Anywhere specific in there I should be looking? I'm poor and I really don't know how long it's going to be until I find a full-time job in LA so I want to give myself as much leeway as possible, hence crashing on someone's living room floor.

I hope I don't end up a lampshade, but whatever that's all part of the thrill.

It's weird, I've been preparing for this for over a year. I picked the Kaplan job precisely because I could take it with me. I bought a car just so I could drive it cross-country and have some way to get around once I got out there. I've been working at Captel just to save money to take with me.

And now I feel completely petrified about this. Even when my dad says something like "Oh no one is going to drive out there with you?" I freeze up and have to stop myself from saying "MAYBE I'LL JUST LIVE AT HOME THE REST OF MY LIFE"

ughhhh this is hard u guise. Doing it alone, or just doing it, I don't know. But I need to do it. I'm pretty sure of that.

Whatever, I expect a lot of lonely nights crying myself to sleep, convincing myself of the absolute certainty of my failure, but I've got to try nonetheless. Something good might even happen. Who knows. Not knowing, actually, is almost worse.

OUR GREATEST FEARS LIE IN ANTICIPATION. And I've almost used up all my anticipation tokens.

Okay I am totally ashamed, and I know everyone is going to file this under "methinks the lady doth protest too much" but I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS MOVIE I'm just getting more pissed off about it.

I really like sci-fi. Really good sci-fi is one of my favorite things, and one of my favorite things that I believe goes greatly underappreciated, so of course I get a little turned on when the *zeitgest* scoops up something sci-fi to focus its joy on. Avatar, obviously, is that new thing.

But it's not good sci-fi.

( Spoilers or whatever honestly who cares )

oh well.

okay I better post this before I forget everything

SO I SAW AVATAR TONIGHT. First of all, our fucking local theater pisses me off so much, like we have these two beautiful Ultrascreens that apparently aren't equipped with 3D projectors yet, so they squeeze all of us nerds into this tiny little marginal theater, and then this manager bitch who I've had problems with before (one time I took my brother to see some R-rated movie, I can't even remember which one but it was probably harmless, before he was 17 and she FUCKING CARDED HIM after I bought my ticket so we had to go to a different theater so I like bought two tickets for one movie UGH THIS BITCH) comes in and starts making everyone *migrate inward* so everyone gets a seat, and this guy that was wearing too much cologne sat on the sweater that I was using to save two seats for myself (lol and >:[) and I was all "hmm this wouldn't even be a problem if you were showing the masturbatory event movie in the big theater, hmm what an insurmountable problem" but whatever this theater chain is seriously retarded, they're STILL not playing Precious and they NEVER played Paranormal Activity, good luck if what you want to see is 4 degrees off radar.

Anyway.

The movie itself...wasn't bad.

I'm a stickler for story, you know? So I mean OF COURSE I was blown away by the visuals, I mean, those Robert Zemeckis dead-eyed things are relics compared to this. We're officially out of the uncanny valley. I mean, we're hanging on by the skin of our teeth, but you really do just let go at a certain point and say, "okay, there are ten foot tall slender aliens on the screen and they're totally fucking real."

Until the sex scene, which everyone was pretty uncomfortable with, but I think that had less to do with the visuals and more to do with the bestiality aspect.

It was impressive. There was detail and love went into this thing, man. I thought, even more impressive than the so-close-you-can-taste-it real life aliens was this bioluminescent forest they lived in, it was like someone took a shotgun and filled it with Lite Brite pellets and just went crazy in the Amazon. But it was really cool. There were lizards that flew around like helicopters and jellyfish seeds and none of it made any sense but, like I said, you just kind of went with it because, Jesus, how fucking cool.

This drool-in-awe effect lasted for maybe 45 minutes.

The movie lasted two and a half hours.

So of course, cynical, judgmental Jenny had a point where she just went "pffft."

James Cameron knows movies. He doesn't know film, he doesn't know cinema, he knows movies. The man can make a fucking movie. He doesn't waste time on intricate character development, he doesn't waste time on innovative sci-fi, he tells you what you need to know and shoves you into the fray. He doesn't muddy things up with sympathetic villains, he doesn't give secret dark streaks to his heroes, everything is color-coded, simple, easy to follow so he can immerse you in whatever new bit of technological wizardy he wants to show you.

James Cameron is what Michael Bay longs to be. James Cameron is really, really good at what Michael Bay spends way too much money on. I mean, I just imagine if Transformers had been directed by James Cameron, you know? He can film action. We would have been able to see the robots that animators spent millions of dollars and thousands of hours on.

So the story serves its purpose, much better than it does with other action movies.

But it leaves much to be desired.

I'm disappointed, I guess. Not in the movie itself--it did exactly what it set out to do, and it did it with flying colors--just that THIS is the sci-fi movie from this year that's getting all the acclaim, and not District 9. That movie was innovative, that movie had more solid character development. That was a little bit more artful than this, in a storytelling sense.

Not that this wasn't enjoyable. There were parts of it I liked, even though most of it was derivative. Spoiler alert, I guess, if anyone cares, but the whole ecosystem of ~*PANDORA*~ was pretty cool, even though I felt like I'd seen it before. The Na'vi, or blue furries as they will hence be known, have this, seriously, like organic USB-drive growing out of the braids in their heads. Why there's this perfect braid wrapped around it, the movie does not explain, but what they can do is plug into the various flora and fauna of their world, and *bond* with all of Eywa's (that's their *Gaia*) creatures. There is a practical level to this--when they bond with horses, they can control them, like the dragonriders in Eragon. The horses are whores--they can bond with any horse they want. But there are these massive, kite-looking pteradons they bond with, and those bonds are ~*monogamous*~.

So there's like normal kite-looking pteradons, and riding those is a rite of passage. Then there's this badass kite-looking pteradon that only five people have ridden throughout history, and those five have been the savior of the people blah blah blah. So Jake, our main man, decides that in order to get the blue furries to trust him, he has to ride the badass kite-looking pteradon himself. And you think it's going to be kind of an ordeal, because only five people throughout history have done it.

Nope. Jake is the only person out of hundreds of blue furries to fly *above* the badass kite-looking pteradon and drop down on top of him.

Apparently blue furries can't think three-dimensionally.

Just little shit like that. Like the whole reason the humans are there is because of *unobtanium* (that's literally what it's called), which...either has no described purpose or that was when I was still drooling-in-awe. It's valuable, we want it, WHO CARES LOOK AT THE AWESOMENESS OF THIS MOVIE, you know? And there are these floating mountains, which were awesome, don't get me wrong, but I was like "how can they float? Is it the unobtanium? If there's unobtanium in the floating mountains, why are you going after the deposit that's right in the center of the living area of the natives?"

Just the little shit gets on my nerves. You get the feeling the bad guys are just acting like douche bags because that's the only narrative niche they can fit into. And you wonder what the rest of humanity thinks about all of this, where the ACLU-of-the-future and the UN-of-the-future are hiding, because apparently Earth was destroyed, so the only thing that survived was the military and a small, well-funded, liberal scientific research group? That's it? Where are the civilian reporters, the Bono of the future who would undoubtedly give a huge shit about the plight of the tall, sexy, so-close-to-real-you-can-taste-it aliens?

WHO CARES LOOK AT THE AWESOMENESS OF THIS MOVIE.

If you don't mind turning your brain off for a few hours, and letting the awesomeness of this movie wash over you (and you will not be disappointed. It has many buckets of awesomeness), then it's great. James Cameron is really good at balancing between that smart-enough-not-to-insult-you and dumb-enough-to-entertain-you-if-you-stop-thinking-about-it. I was never insulted. It *brushed up upon* social critique. But for the most part...

WHO CARES LOOK AT THE AWESOMENESS OF THIS MOVIE.

and ps,

AVATARDED

is the perfect fucking word to describe it. And, cool as the Na'vi were, Andalites are the only blue furries that will ever have my heart.

Time for another "Fuck iTunes" entry!

Okay, so I bought a new computer. This much I have made clear to all of you. Buying a new computer should be a fun experience, but honestly I was kind of nervous about it, and for a very stupid reason.

I've worked really hard on my iTunes library. And I didn't want to have to work on it anymore.

Now, I've begun to realize that Apple has surpassed Windows or PC or whatever it competes with as the most creative and state-of-the-art computer company. I think the iPhone pretty much sealed their position, and objectively, the iPhone is one of the coolest things humanity as a whole has invented. This has started to pull me over to Team Apple. PCs are becoming copycat relics while Apple continues to innovate.

But Apple still really sucks on a lot of really important counts.

There is no way to just copy your entire library--play counts, playlists, ratings, all of that shit you work so hard on--and dump it on a new computer. I mean, there might be some secret technical wizardry but I can't fucking figure out how to do it with what I've got. There was a way to turn your iPod into an external hard drive and copy everything, but why can't I just use a newer, more dependable hard drive to do that? I keep all of that information on there anyway, why isn't there a simple process for me to just unplug it from my old computer, plug it into my new computer, and have my entire library there?

It's super frustrating.

Since there are so many ways to transfer music, none of which are 100% what I need, I decide to wait to act until I can call Apple's technical support. There is no actual number you can call--you have to set up an appointment for them to call you, which is just the weirdest thing I've ever heard, because it's not like you're immediately on the line with a representative, they still put you on hold and everything.

So I set up a call for noon today, accidentally sleep until 11:45 (lol whoops), but I manage to answer the call and everything works out and everything.

I have used this service, once before, and that actually helped a lot. I don't know if I'm the only person this phenomenon happens to, but every once in a while iTunes will just LOSE the .itl file, which apparently is where all of that sacred information like playlists, play counts, ratings and such are stored. It will revert to an itl file from like a year ago, and I'll have to manually add in all the music I've added since then, and go hunting through my library to find which songs I need to re-add. It's a fucking pain in the ass, one of the many reasons that I regret upkeeping my library so meticulously in the first place. I work so hard on this because I figure it's a job I'll only have to do once, but history has not shown that to be true.

Anyway, this Indian guy knew exactly what the problem was and gave me a three- or four-step solution that rebuilt my library (more or less) without having to do all that work again. I was pleased with this. So I decided this was a service I could use in the future.

So this white guy calls me today, and honestly I'm sort of like "oh great this isn't going to work at all." And it didn't. And honestly, I wasn't too disappointed about that, I mean, if *google* doesn't know how to transfer all of that coveted playcount/playlist information, then I don't think some douche bag telecommunications guy is going to.

The thing that DID disappoint me?

"Just so you know, your iPhone is no longer under warranty for service calls anymore, and normally this call would cost $29, but I'm going to waive that for you, just this time."

What. THE FUCK.

So here's how to make a profitable company in capitalistic America--first, make a product that actually gains a crazy, unpredictable amount of popularity. It should, it's a good product. Something no one has thought of before, a true innovation in a world where the Snuggie is a marketable invention. You make it affordable, you lure your customers in with its glossy exterior, a bunch of commercials saying just what you can do with it, an overall attitude that considers itself *above* any of the other comparable products out there.

You make it very, very easy to buy and set up.

Then, when the customer actually wants to personalize it the way you advertised, actually wants to use the product in the multitude of ways you describe, that's when you add the complications. And then, when the customer can't navigate the fucking labyrinth of instructions or obstacles in order to get what they want, YOU CHARGE $30 TO HELP THEM.

I hate, hate, hate, hate Apple. I hate this attitude. I hate feeling jerked around and manipulated just because I'm an income stream. And I know I sound like I'm whining about a very marginal product that Apple has, but look at this from my perspective--iTunes is the only communication Apple has with a very broad section of its customer base. The iPod is overwhelmingly the most popular mp3 player, while Apple computers have like, what, a 20% market share? This isn't the most complicated marketing system to untangle--you want to attract those iPod customers into buying Apple computers. And a douche bag, arrogant, exclusive attitude paired with a haughty Justin Long isn't the way to do it. If you want those iPod owners to become Apple owners, then make iTunes really, really good. Right now, it's a piece of shit, and if that's what I can expect from Apple overall, I'll stick to my predictably glitchy and admittedly second-rate PC, thanks. At least I can get help solving the problems it causes.

ugh. It's really frustrating that the only way I could figure out how to do what I wanted was not through Apple's technical support, but through random articles from online computer magazines or blogs I found on google. Those ARE really helpful. Those DO show you exactly how to personalize shit the way you want to in a clear, concise way. Some of them even have youtube videos recording people doing exactly what you want to do. That's how I figured out how to make free iPhone ringtones using songs in my library. They're great.

And as far as I'm concerned, they point to a very attractive future where information is free, where the economy slides along like it's been lubed up with 30 bottles of astroglide because no one has to PAY to figure out how to use a product they own, no one has to sit on hold for 30 minutes doing nothing, everyone gets the resources they need to complete their tasks without complication or even wait time.

So, double thesis I guess: Apple sucks, the internet is awesome. What else is new.

I just figured out something very important.

A word, a signifier that expresses exactly how I feel about this movie, the only word that can do so.

The only word that can express my conflict over something new to focus my nerdy obsessiveness on and the anxiety about liking something that might, in some way, lump me with furries (who I know I unfairly marginalize).

Only one word can express all of this.



AVATARDED

We just have to wait and see if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I am going to do this entry a la brenden because I don't want to think of a common theme or anything

FRIDAY: Drove down to Chicago at about 12:30 after calling in sick to work. Did not want to deal with that shit, and I'm glad I didn't, because we fucking BONKED. That's not really a word I just needed to put something there. Anyway, got to Chicago around 2:30, parked, walked to the Panera and read my book for like 2 hours. Then I came back and we immediately go to some bar. I'm very confused. It's a straight bar. There is a buffet table with those big silver serving trays with the fire under them, and a lot of badly dressed straight guys. Why are we here, I wonder, when so many feathered boas are going to go un-crotch rubbed tonight?

$10 for free drinks from 6-9, that's why.

I got WASTED. There was a point I was just saying shit and didn't even realize what I had said until about 45 seconds after. I think I told them I got my first orgasm when I was four years old, I don't even...but it was fantastic and I really had forgotten how nice it is to get drunk with other people who aren't your family.

After that, shit, what did we do...OH WE WENT TO THIS *URBAN* comedy club, and I kept yelling shit out at the stage and the comedians made a bunch of unfunny jokes about me, which honestly I was more upset about that. I mean, comedy clubs, drunk people must be yelling at them all the time and the funniest thing they can think to say is "Bitch this isn't rehab"? Please. No wonder you're telling jokes in a refurbished church.

SATURDAY: We were all pretty tired lol. But I got drunk again very early and discovered that being perpetually drunk = being perpetually exhausted. We seriously all just laid on the couch and watched Netflix Instant View movies all day, until like 6:00. Then we went to David's friend's son's birthday. I think that's the same degrees of removal I have from Owen Wilson. No, actually, I'm closer to him than that. I did not know anyone. And it was a *LATINO* party so it was very loud and everyone was drunk, even the children. I keed, I keed. But, as usual, I didn't come out of my shell until after a few hours and after a few beers, but then apparently I charmed the pants off everybody with all of my pet rat stories. They really liked the one I told about Katie painting Snickers after he'd died because that was the first time he'd stayed still long enough for her to do so. Whatever. We stayed there until 3:30, came home, and THEN watched Evil Dead. I don't think I fell asleep for real until 6:30.

SUNDAY: We had planned on Sunday to go to the movie theater and theater hop all day, and that we did. The first two movies were Precious and New Moon, which had already been a double feature for me, so I was kind of "ugh..." But then David showed up and we saw 2012 which was just irritating. Like, Independence Day worked because it was on an epic scale. Epic, but manageable. There were lots of characters, but no one felt superfluous or ignored. It's like Roland Emmerich just took that formula and turned it to 11. Too many characters, way too many disaster movie cliches (they went from dying in a desert to drowning in a sinking ship to getting eaten by earthquakes to forest fires with little to no pausing in between), too many endings...It was like Lord of the Rings without any of the bucolic charm. Ugh it just irritated me.

After that, we went to Margie's which is like our favorite secret Chicago ice cream place. And I was just really happy for the first time in a long time. I'm beginning to realize it doesn't necessarily have to be LA, I just need to get out of the house I grew up in, the safe place. I need to move far enough away that I'm not *home* anymore. So if I go to LA and fail spectacularly, maybe I can crawl back to Chicago instead of to my Dad.

And that was a very pleasant thought to end the weekend on. As was getting home from the Northwest side of Chicago in an hour and fifteen minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

( I FINALLY BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER! )

So I saw Precious and New Moon yesterday.

Honestly, Precious wasn't traumatic, which was a relief. It was actually kind of funny in parts, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. It's just so, so sad that it goes around and becomes funny again, you know? And there was actually a character that expressed this. She started laughing when Precious brought her baby into class because she'd been LITERALLY KICKED OUT OF HER HOUSE so it's clearly not just me.

Anyway, New Moon. Yikes. I know people think the first one is stupid, but what came with the stupid was charm. I would have watched a movie with the human kids. They weren't relegated to cardboard backdrop pieces like they were in the books, which I really liked. Yeah, the fight scene was hokey, and the whole "spider monkey" thing was laughable, but you know what? It was an enjoyable movie, even if unintentionally so.

This one was just...boring. I'd forgotten how the only conflict before Jasper almost eats her is "I'm shallow and I don't want to eternally be one whole year older than you." Like I stopped listening to the dialog about 1/3 of the way through, mostly because it was clunky/redundant exposition, but also because everyone was muttering in this movie. I don't know who their dialog dubbing looping guy was, but yikes. I had no desire to listen to the dialog and the movie didn't provide much of an incentive to do so.

And yes, young men were randomly pulling their shirts off almost every seven minutes, busting out of their clothes when they morphed with no mention of how their clothes magically rematerialize. It was sort of nice to see a movie with restricted male objectification. Bella wasn't running around in a swimsuit or anything. This was a movie made FOR women. Which was kind of uncomfortable, since most of the audience around me was mothers with their little boys in tow...I felt very bad for those kids. Though they did seem to perk up a little with the wolf fights.

Anyway, for the most part, mission accomplished. It was a bad movie. It made me laugh. I got to feel superior to the Twimom sitting next to me who was crying at the end.

But there was one glaring part of this movie that was actually really, really good.


Full Moon - Alexandre Desplat

I kind of hate myself for really liking the score to this movie.

Nothing good is supposed to come out of Twilight. It's supposed to be a sinkhole of creative and artistic energy, a dark funnel that sucks all light and goodness out of everything. A horseman of the apocalypse, a sign of endtimes.

But this score is really, really good. It's romantic. It's moving. It's catchy. I heard it once and I was hooked. I've never heard Alexandre Desplat before, so this has nothing to do with me just liking the composer. This is a really good standalone score.

I thought about it a little bit. Kind of realized that the quality of movie scores has no correlation with the quality of the movie AT ALL. Conan the Barbarian had one of the most highly-regarded scores in film history. One of my favorite scores from the last decade is the one from The Time Machine, and who remembers THAT movie? And my current favorite of all time is still the Transformer's score, and we all know how controversial that movie is, as far as quality is concerned.

So why should I care that this score is really good? If anything, it accounts for any emotive quality this film had at all, because lord knows neither the characters nor plot could themselves elicit that kind of reaction. No, I'm being too mean now. People love those books. And now I love something associated with Twilight.

Shit, you know?

LADY BUSINESS THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!

look at this e-mail I got from my old boss at Planned Parenthood:

Why The Stupak Amendment Is A Monumental Setback For Abortion Access

By Jessica Arons, Director of the Women’s Health and Rights Program at the Center for American Progress Action Fund.

If you thought that just because abortion is a constitutional right and part of basic reproductive health care it would be available in the reformed health insurance market known as the Exchange, think again. The Stupak Amendment, passed Saturday night by the House of Representatives after a compromise deal fell apart, potentially goes farther than any other federal law to restrict women’s access to abortion.

The claim that it only bars federal funding for abortions is simply false. Here’s what the Stupak Amendment does:

1. It effectively bans coverage for most abortions from all public and private health plans in the Exchange: In addition to prohibiting direct government funding for abortion, it also prohibits public money from being spent on any plan that covers abortion even if paid for entirely with private premiums. Therefore, no plan that covers abortion services can operate in the Exchange unless its subscribers can afford to pay 100% of their premiums with no assistance from government “affordability credits.” As the vast majority of Americans in the Exchange will need to use some of these credits, it is highly unlikely any plan will want to offer abortion coverage (unless they decide to use it as a convenient proxy to discriminate against low- and moderate-income Americans who tend to have more health care needs and incur higher costs).

2. It includes only extremely narrow exceptions: Plans in the Exchange can only cover abortions in the case of rape or incest or “where a woman suffers from a physical disorder, physical injury, or physical illness that would, as certified by a physician, place the woman in danger of death.” Given insurance companies’ dexterity in denying claims, we can predict what they’ll do with that language. Cases that are excluded: where the health but not the life of the woman is threatened by the pregnancy, severe fetal abnormalities, mental illness or anguish that will lead to suicide or self-harm, and the numerous other reasons women need to have an abortion.

3. It allows for a useless abortion “rider”: Stupak and his allies claim his Amendment doesn’t ban abortion from the Exchange because it allows plans to offer and women to purchase extra, stand-alone insurance known as a rider to cover abortion services. Hopefully the irony of this is immediately apparent: Stupak wants women to plan for a completely unexpected event.

4. It allows for discrimination against abortion providers: Previously, the health care bill included an evenhanded provision that prohibited discrimination against any health care provider or facility “because of its willingness or unwillingness to provide, pay for, provide coverage of, or refer for abortions.” Now, it only protects those who are unwilling to provide such services.

One in three women will have an abortion in their lifetime. Eighty-seven percent of employer plans offer abortion coverage. None of that will matter if the Senate takes its cues from the House. In every other way, this bill will expand access to health care. But for millions of women, they are about to lose coverage they currently have and often need.

Now, you guys know I'm pretty feminist. Kind of insecure about being a feminist, too, for some strange reason. Kind of uncomfortable about abortion. Not totally sure that unequal pay is truly caused by patriarchy, etc. etc.

I don't know what you'd call me. A radical skeptic? idk.

But this really, really pisses me off.

It's weird, too. I got that e-mail like, I don't know, four or five days ago and basically had my internal "wow that sucks" reaction but didn't really think to do anything about it. I'm all about standing up to patriarchy and I basically accepted the bill's implications about women's rights for what it was.

I TOTALLY SUBMITTED.

Then I read this: Mad Men, 'Maddening Times'

Now I admit that it makes me uncomfortable that someone's got to compare real life to TV for me to finally wake up, but really.

This is bullshit.

Everyone is a little antsy around abortion. No one likes the thought of undoing a pregnancy. Not even the whole "murder(?)" thing, not even just the whole patriarchy thing, not even, I don't know, the thought of scraping the inside of your uterus with a sharp metal instrument. It's just icky. And for a long time, I kind of put myself in the position, "Well, I believe in abortion, but it's not something I'd ever need for myself." I always kind of removed myself from the whole issue for some reason, convincing myself that if I ever was confronted with an unwanted pregnancy, I'd do the *noble* thing and have the kid.

I don't know why, but the Stupak Amendment kind of put things back into perspective for me.

My position is not a good one. I don't think it's good to support something and remove yourself from it at the same time. That article said something very insightful and very true: An abortion is not a planned event. You don't save up your money in a piggy bank in the hopes of someday getting an abortion. You don't sit at the computer for months beforehand reading up on all of the physical and psychological side effects, making detailed pro/con lists, sleep on it, etc. There is a lot of that, to a degree, but the thing about abortions is that they have shelf lives. It's not like buying a new car, where you need it really bad but you can put it off indefinitely as long as you're willing to make concessions. Like it or not, in nine months there's going to be a baby, in five at the most people know there is going to be one, and really, in less than two from the time you find out you can still legally make it be a nonthing.

No one plans to get an abortion.

It is a traumatic, horrible, soul-shattering decision. And one that, thankfully, I have never had to make. Yet. But who the fuck knows? I'm capable of a lot of dumb ass shit, a lot of which is evident in my last year's worth of entries. If I'm capable of hitting a car with my bike and doing over $1000 worth of damage, I am more than capable of doing something stupid with birth control, or even doing something smart with it and having it fail on me.

At first, I didn't know that I believed that 1/3 statistic, but why the hell not? We're organisms, we want to reproduce, every physical particle in our bodies is screaming to survive long enough to procreate. Immovable object, irresistible force kind of thing. One of them is going to buckle, and do you think it's going to be some 5 billion years of evolution, or the 10,000 or so of human ingenuity?

idk. I was just struck with the possibility today that this is not just a women's issue, this is my issue. And that amendment is bullshit. It's making something illegal by default, instead of by law. Like making pot legal but the only place that's allowed to sell it is on top of an unclimbable mountain. Financial restraints are realities. Insurance is a reality. I'm insured, and I haven't gone to the doctor in like two years just because I'm scared how much the bloodwork is going to cost. Same with the dentist. Yeah, the cleaning is covered, but what about fillings? Crowns? Root canals? All that stuff delves into the deductibles and percentages that I still feel too young to have to deal with.

So imagine this shit not being covered at all.

Insurance should equally cover people who want to have children and people who don't. It should also equally cover men who want to have sex and women who want to have sex. It currently does neither of these things. And if Uncle Sam is going to shove his nose into it, he better do it with a hell of a lot less discrimination. We're all American citizens, and last I checked I don't get a fucking tax credit for being a lady. So the government should not restrict what I'm allowed to do just because of my vagina.

Fuck the 60s. We've been keeping time for over 2000 years. It's time we start treating our citizens with the same level of regularity.

I have no self-discipline anymore.

That was like the most valuable thing I learned in college and now it's gone.

I don't even reply to comments anymore right away. I don't even keep up with the fun stuff, the stuff that's supposed to help me relax. I read them, go "I can't I'm too tired" and I let them sit in my inbox.

I'm only working like 20 hours a week because honestly, I don't care. I hate captioning, it's not fucking worth the headache/eye twitch, and there's just not that much tutoring stuff to be had. And the weird thing is, it's not a big deal. I'm still making more money than I'm spending. I'm not in debt, besides all the school shit which I'm keeping up with. What's the point?

I had this really dark epiphany the other day, like I have dreams, I have ambitions. Everyone does. Right now my dreams, I think, are lofty but realizable. I'd like to write and get paid to do so in some capacity. Despite the things I read about it, I don't find this an impossible goal. I know it's going to take a lot of rejection and some crippling blows to my self-esteem, but I know if I stick with it, something will eventually happen. Maybe not exactly what I want or planned for, but something.

But what happens then? What if I get a coloring book or a joke how-to website published? Will I be happy?

Probably not.

Ambition is endless. I'm thinking about people with crazy amounts of ambition, like the people who want to be president. Let's say, that by some combination of talent, ambition, pure dumb luck, and a receptive society, they achieve that ambition.

Are they done? No! Now, they have to BE president. And they could do it badly. They could be a lame duck. They could be mediocre, like Taft or Harrison. They'll be forever written in the annals of history, but will that be enough?

We always want more.

So why even focus on ambition as a life goal then? If it will never be achieved, why not cut out of the pointless rat race now?

And do what?

That's the hard part.

I don't know. I'm keeping up with my work even though I am doing drastically less of it. I'm still on track to be out of here by January 1st, which honestly I do believe will reverse many of these feelings of pointlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, and WHINYNESS. I had trouble doing my last screenplay coverage, even though, seriously, reading screenplays is like watching movies except all of the actors are really bad in my head.

Maybe this has to do with my dad retiring. He is so much happier now that he's out of work. But if he'd been out of work all this time, we'd have no house and I'd probably be in a foster home. Well, not now, but you know what I mean.

idk. Maybe I'll be like those hippies in Into the Wild and drive around in a VW Bus without showering for the rest of my life.

I'm posting

I have nothing to say

okay bye :)

So my dad's retirement party was tonight.

( srsly did someone spike my drink I keep wangsting )

All right, so I know I said I'd post tomorrow like...four days ago, but it was shark week and this was a particularly violent and thrashing...wide-toothed...you get the idea. My uterus was at 100% capacity which meant the rest of me was on strike. But now, before it decides to rear up again in some desperate late third act ploy, let me get all of this down!

( The conclusion to the egregious cliffhanger )

( Rodeo Drive...I did not feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman )

( A SURPRISE ENDING!! )

( Miscellaneous )

It was kind of scary when I could name freeways and thus cities when were we landing. And the weird part of that return flight was this couple I was sitting next to...despite my greatest efforts, we engaged in small talk and I admitted that I was trying to figure out if I wanted to move to LA, and they ended with saying like "well even if you didn't like it, it's definitely amazing that you traveled by yourself."

and I was like you know what? Small victory, but it kind of was. :)

So that was my trip. I'm sick of *blogging* but I REALLY WANT TO WRITE MY REVIEW OF PARANORMAL ACTIVITY SOON HOLY SHIT THAT MOVIE WAS AMAZING I HAVE NEVER LEFT A THEATER LITERALLY SHAKING BEFORE HOLLLY SHIT.

All right, so now I'm like all settled into LA, I've got my hotel, my money, my clothes, my belongings all figured out, I'm ready for this trip to really really start. I never really switched over to Pacific Time, which was weird but not too weird, since my return flight was at like 7:30 anyway, so I kept waking up at like 7:00 in the morning and going to bed at about 10:00, which worked pretty well for me. It was sort of weird to be nodding off before Glee was over, though, and GOD DAMN I'd forgotten that they play shows on the west coast at like a second time so you can't have this awesome opportunity to watch all the primetime stuff at 5:30. Oh well. I watched Jim and Pam get married and I kept up my Mythbusters and Cash Cab (holy shit I know I should be writing about my trip but there was this one hilarious question...the contestant was like this 65-year-old guy and the question was something like "What is the art of temporary tattoos practiced in India and Indonesia?" or somewhere I can't really remember but I was like "Oh Henna" and I was pretty dubious about this guy getting it right, but he's like "I KNOW THIS! IT'S HENTAI" AND OMGGGG I WAS DYING AND THE FACE THAT THE HOST MADE WAS JUST PRICELESS IT WAS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN D: AND :X AND OMG he must be so talented to be able to navigate a cab in Manhattan, host a game show, and react in a non-condescending way when that's an answer you get).

( My iPhone got me through this trip )

( My Warner Brothers tour )

but that was my Warner Brothers studio tour :') After that, I pretty much went back to the Citywalk and screwed around for an hour. When I got to the hotel room, SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPENED!

I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM A LOS ANGELES AREA CODE!!

I THOUGHT IT WAS BRENDEN, BUT IT WASN'T!!!

to see the thrilling conclusion to this egregious cliffhanger, tune in tomorrow!